I have been lying to myself my whole life. Sometimes it was a simple little lie - like I am not fat (or I didn't gain weight), it is just this skirt/pants/mirror. Sometimes I had been telling myself things, which were not true at all, like "that boy absolutely likes you" (when he actualy didn't even noticed me). I hate lying, even it doesn't hurt anyone, just me. I hate being hurt. The biggest lie? Well, you were right, Brooke, when once said that after losing weight nothing changed. You remain the same person. I have been telling myself that if I were slimmer, I would have more friends, everybody would love me and boys would start noticing me and like me much more. That's a huge nonsense. Nothing would change. I will remain the same old girl with the same old insecurities. I have finally realised that. I am not happy about that at all. I am almost crying. I will always be the same. I can't blame my weight, I must blame myself. Whole story under all this realisation thing: last Thursday it was my friend's birthday, so she invited us to a small picnic on the bank of lake. There were 8 of us: 4 boys and 4 girls. So there I've met a girl, wonderful, charming, chatty - she is a friend of that birthday girl. So this charming girl is like 1.75 m height and weighs probably about 120 kg. I mean, she is big. But she is so amazing, have no fears at all. Plus she gets a lot of boys attention. So... that's what wrong with me - I am not like her. I am totally different. And still... I hate such kind of thoughts, I hate thinking about meaning of the life. Somebody, tell me I am not right, I beg you. That I will be different after losing those extra kgs. Thing is, I am not that scary looking, I am sociable and friendly, always ready to help. I am quite clever. I am interested in a lot of things, so I can talk about every topic. I am not that kind of too much girlish girls, I can talk about sports, music, political affairs, actions or horror movies. So how come she has a bf and I don't?
Sorry for this stupid thoughts. The main thing, I wanted to say, probably is "Why the hell you still love this girl, who just tease you, why don't you pay attention to me?". That's for the boy, I mentioned several posts before. Stupid stupid life.
In June my exams are due. I have already passed four, so two still left - enviroment law and international law. Today had a criminal law exam. After that with the friends from university drove to nice little village on the bank of lake. Then with a girl-friend visited some shops and in the cinema theatre watched movie, called The Number 23. I found it a bit too unreal, too much "unexpected" signs. Oh, well, at least I have seen comic Jim Carey in his new amplua. I really liked his acting. After the movie, went to an interview about investments, if I am going to start saving money for my retirement or not, advantages of saving. Felt kinda old :D Funny. So now it is almost 10 PM, I am watching news on TV and after that show House, M.D.
Have a good night, good morning, day, week, LIFE ;)
"I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life... Am I living it right..." (John Mayer, "Why Georgia")
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2 comments:
Guys like confident girls no matter if they are small, tall, thin or fat. Have you ever been to a club or something and there are these guys who are falling all over this girl when there are obviously 10 girls who are pretty but not comfortable about themselves? Well fat girls as well as average looking and ugly girls can get guys they just have to be confident and comfortable in there own skin, and lets face it most of us here who are trying to lose weigh aren't. This could be because where weren't born with it or have had it beaten out of us by numerous nasty comments inflicted by us and/or others. I think when people lose weight most of them do change, its not a complete personality overhaul, however whilst losing weight we deal with a lot of our issues and problems and overcome then therefor most people that lose weight end up more confidant and happy within themselves.
Confidence goes a long long way. Big or small, its about how you feel about yourself. A positive happy person generally attacts positive happy people, and it works the other way as well.
You need to realise that you are special in your own way, and people will see that, and the people that dont, arent worth your time. You gotta stop thinking about what others think of you, and just do what makes you happy.
Losing weight may change you, but its probably not because you lose weight, its because you will have believed in yourself enough to commit to something, see it through and get the results you want. Its the journey that will change you, not the end result.
:)
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