Is it just one big lie?

I have been lying to myself my whole life. Sometimes it was a simple little lie - like I am not fat (or I didn't gain weight), it is just this skirt/pants/mirror. Sometimes I had been telling myself things, which were not true at all, like "that boy absolutely likes you" (when he actualy didn't even noticed me). I hate lying, even it doesn't hurt anyone, just me. I hate being hurt. The biggest lie? Well, you were right, Brooke, when once said that after losing weight nothing changed. You remain the same person. I have been telling myself that if I were slimmer, I would have more friends, everybody would love me and boys would start noticing me and like me much more. That's a huge nonsense. Nothing would change. I will remain the same old girl with the same old insecurities. I have finally realised that. I am not happy about that at all. I am almost crying. I will always be the same. I can't blame my weight, I must blame myself. Whole story under all this realisation thing: last Thursday it was my friend's birthday, so she invited us to a small picnic on the bank of lake. There were 8 of us: 4 boys and 4 girls. So there I've met a girl, wonderful, charming, chatty - she is a friend of that birthday girl. So this charming girl is like 1.75 m height and weighs probably about 120 kg. I mean, she is big. But she is so amazing, have no fears at all. Plus she gets a lot of boys attention. So... that's what wrong with me - I am not like her. I am totally different. And still... I hate such kind of thoughts, I hate thinking about meaning of the life. Somebody, tell me I am not right, I beg you. That I will be different after losing those extra kgs. Thing is, I am not that scary looking, I am sociable and friendly, always ready to help. I am quite clever. I am interested in a lot of things, so I can talk about every topic. I am not that kind of too much girlish girls, I can talk about sports, music, political affairs, actions or horror movies. So how come she has a bf and I don't?

Sorry for this stupid thoughts. The main thing, I wanted to say, probably is "Why the hell you still love this girl, who just tease you, why don't you pay attention to me?". That's for the boy, I mentioned several posts before. Stupid stupid life.

In June my exams are due. I have already passed four, so two still left - enviroment law and international law. Today had a criminal law exam. After that with the friends from university drove to nice little village on the bank of lake. Then with a girl-friend visited some shops and in the cinema theatre watched movie, called The Number 23. I found it a bit too unreal, too much "unexpected" signs. Oh, well, at least I have seen comic Jim Carey in his new amplua. I really liked his acting. After the movie, went to an interview about investments, if I am going to start saving money for my retirement or not, advantages of saving. Felt kinda old :D Funny. So now it is almost 10 PM, I am watching news on TV and after that show House, M.D.

Have a good night, good morning, day, week, LIFE ;)

"I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life... Am I living it right..." (John Mayer, "Why Georgia")

Obsessions

That's not a bad kind of obsessions. No, I am going to talk about a good kind of obsessions - these, similar to hobbies. Well, I am actually going to talk about hobbies :D
In the childhood parents, teachers, neighbours etc. were telling me to find an obsession, aka hobby. When meeting new children, I was always asked what my hobby was. I didn't know what to answer. I liked reading - I constantly lived in the books - had read whole home library, even love-stories (not just classical ones, all of them), but at that time it was unusual to call books a hobby. It should have been a hobby, where you communicate with others - dancing, swimming, riding a horse, etc. For one year I had been dancing, then playing a flute, then acting and doing other obligatory things. I didn't like anything. Well, that's just me. So times have changed, I have grown up, and still don't have a hobby. Sad... or not. I still like reading, especialy crime fiction, Agatha Christie, John Grisham, Alexandra Marinina, Darja Doncova etc. But I still don't think this is a hobby.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend, who is huge John Mayer (famous American musician-songs writer) fan. So we were talking about his obsession with this particuliar musician - he has every song, John Mayer has ever performed, every video, John Mayer has been in. That boy knows every detail about Mayer. One phrase, the boy told was a bit scary - "John Mayer, his songs, searching for them online, are a part of my live". How could somebody else, a celebrity, musician, his life to be a part of your life?? So, probably we should call it an obsession. But actually, it is just a hobby. Every hobby is part of your life, doesn't matter what it is, dancing, golf or music. And then I thought, weight loss is a part of my life too. A huge part. And that's bad. If that was a healthy lifestyle or a health, would be ok, but I am always concerned about my weight, always thinking how to lose, searching for some drastic diets. Weight loss is my hobby. That's sad, even sadder than reading. Help! I need a new hobby :D
So that's all for today. BTW, John Mayer is really good at what he is doing - 4 grammys can confirm that. Listen to some of his songs, if don't know him: Waiting on the world to change, Gravity , Slow dancing in a burning room, Daughters etc. Well, actually, now I am a bit obsessed with him myself. :D