Video

I thought I'd try Blogger video upload, so here I am. This video is from Iceland. Sorry, I know quality is super bad, because of the sunlight, but this is probably the only video file I have :D You can see steam, cause the water is about 80 C. Hm, hot... :)

Dreams and Reality

Time spent wishing is time wasted. True or false?
I was watching Scrubs (ironic series about young doctors) old seasons and there was this quote about wishes. So, really? So now I must stop dreaming and wishing? On the other hand you can dream but you have to do something to make that dream come true. Without actions it is pointless to dream or wish, I guess.
I hate to see reality, isn't it better to live without actually seeing what's going on with the world? I almost stopped reading newspapers, cause everytime I try to do that, there are always sad stories, cruel stories, somebody was killed, something stolen, articles about economy collapsing and members of parlament expressing their opinion on the things they actually know nothing and so on and so on. I am tired. How about that recent event in Finland where boy killed his classmates (I didn't managed to read whole story)? How about that writers strike in LA? I was always sceptic about people saying that their life dream/aim/wish is the peace in the world. Well, now I really want this to happen, I want everyone live in peace with each other, no more iraqs, no more cold wars, no more starving people or battered wives and children. Please stop everyting. And that's not because I am very good, kind person, it's because I want to live between good people, stop worrying about others' problems and start taking care of my own.
Ok, no more existential talk. Have a good weekend.

Summer photos

This summer brought me some great experiences:

Trip to Iceland (ten days in July):
1. I and my brother on the roof of Perlan, in Reykjavik. It was windy, but relatively warm weather. Sun was shining and the water was amazingly blue. If you look better, you could probably see the tower of Hallgrimskirkja church.
2. And that's me in front of huge metal fishbone, in Reykjavik. Great view here, but again really windy.3. Jökulsárlón Glacial Lagoon (at least I hope it is called so). This place is also called Ice Factory, because here the main glacier splits and small parts of it emerge to the ocean. It was bloody cold and the cup of hot tea didn't helped. There two James Bond movies had been made. I know, I look absolutely awful, but it was drizzling and I was all wet and cold.
4. On the Ring Road. We are heading back to Reykjavik. Between the mountains it is always misty.5. In the background you can see Mt. Hekla, the infamous active volcano (the one with ice cape). The black thing everywhere you can see is lava. And of course my brother and I. This is the closest we could get to the volcano. In this area there are no roads so you have to drive blindly. Felt like in the old stories about cowboys galloping through prairies, especially after we drove through the river with our poor Skoda Octavia.
6. On the top of the world. Ok, it's actually Landmannalaugar valley down there. I am in the beggining of 12 km hiking track. Beautiful view. In the valley there is a campsite and a hot spring.

7. I suppose this is Gjain gorge. We got there accidentally (or not), so I don't actually know what place is it, just the fact that it is close to the Stöng farm. This place looks like Icelandic Grand Canyon.8. Gullfoss and the rainbow. This is the most beautiful waterfall of Iceland - The Golden fall. You probably can't see, but behind the rainbow there are people walking. Got there too... A very wet experience.
9. The toy-puffin and I outside the souvenir shop in Reykjavik. This bird is unofficial symbol of Iceland. People from all over the world come here to see these little birds. (We've been reffering to them as "pufik", which in Russian means pouffe... now it doesn't seem very funny).
10. Snaefells Peninsula, somewhere near Svörtuloft lighthouse, which is western end of the Snaefells Peninsula. I know I look dorky, but it was so cold I had to put my Dad's jacket.

11. On the top of Glymur, which is the highest waterfall in Iceland - approximately 200 meters high. You can't see the waterfall because as I said - I am on the top of it. Silly me thought from there I would see it better. To get to this spot, we had to climb for about an hour and a half. And there are no tracks. My brother was taking a picture of me too, hence the look to other side.12. Again near the Glymur waterfall, I and my brother. Great view, horrible me.

All in all, Iceland is wonderful for its nature. This is the only place you can see so different elements next to each other: ice and fire(volcano). I am definitely getting back there.

One more photo from my Dad's birthday (1st September).Others to come. I left all the photos at my parents, so can't post them right now.

The End.

Currently listening to: Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned.

Today

So Vita, tell me, what do you have for me today? How do you feel? Do you fear, cause tomorrow you'll have to take a huge test and you haven't studied at all? Do you feel guilty, cause you haven't done any work at all? Do you blame yourself for all these excuses you made not to meet with your friends? Hm, no... Not at all. You don't feel anything. What's wrong with you? No fear, no guilt, any wishes or dreams. What's happened? I don't care that now it's autumn, I don't care that you gained bunch of weight, I don't care that you're lazy/ugly/stupid. You have to get up and start doing smth. Summer is over long ago. How do you expect to live your life happily if you're behaving like that? Nobody likes miserable people so you'd better stop acting like one, ok? Do we agree on that? Good... No, really, don't you even think about fooling me. It's no joke anymore, got it? Great. I am waiting for some progress.
Your brain.

In the middle of...

Well, I am still alive. Just not posting, not eating well, not exercising. But I am doing anything else. Like living. Maybe later someday I will post about my summer (aka June-August), which was not very exciting. Just couple trips and a lot of laziness. I am still the same, nothing new to report. Still no kids, no husband :D
As you can see, I am back to the magic 78 kg zone... Probably I am cursed. Poor the 78' girl :D Yesterday I was asking myself, what I am doing wrong. I still don't know. Just one thing - I don't respect myself. I have never realised before, what actually means to respect yourself. So does anybody know what I should do to learn how to respect myself? I am considering seeing the therapist. Maybe s/he could say what the respect is.

I've started reading John Grisham. So I am gonna post the names of the books, I've read. Well, for myself, as I have poor memory and usualy forget the titles :)

• The Client. A little boy sees the suicide of the lawyer, who before his death manages to tell the boy where the body of killed senator is hidden. Now the boy is in danger, cause he knows a secret, which can imprison one mafioso, who doesn't want to go to the prison. (LT)
• The Rainmaker. Young lawyer gets a huge case, which can make him a lot of money or can show the truth to the world. He must choose: money or truth. Will the insurance company take the blame for the death of young man? (LT)
  
• The Street Lawyer. One day a lawyer is taken hostage by a homeless man. The homeless is killed by the police. The lawyer is interested in the story under this whole hostages situation and starts researching. Finally he understands that all the time he was on the wrong side and begins working for the homeless. (EN)
• The Brethren. Story is divided into two parts: one is about three imprisoned ex judges who from the prison blackmail gays and the other is about successful senator running for the president of the States. Finally, these two stories collide. (LT)
  
• The King of Torts. Lawyer, who works for the state as the prosecutor drops this job and starts working privately as the torts lawyer. His first case is not morally right, but well-paid and profitable. He starts taking more and more torts and then loose everything. (LT)
• The Broker. Ex broker, very powerful man, now is prisoner. But he is realised from the prison and becomes an open target. He knows a secret and the government of the USA puts him in the safe-house in the Italy. I just love all these stories about Italy, Bologna. (LT)
• The Innocent Man. I am reading this book now. It is real life story about an innocent man who was sentenced for the death of young girl just because the police and the court needed someone to blame. (EN)

That's it :)

Is it just one big lie?

I have been lying to myself my whole life. Sometimes it was a simple little lie - like I am not fat (or I didn't gain weight), it is just this skirt/pants/mirror. Sometimes I had been telling myself things, which were not true at all, like "that boy absolutely likes you" (when he actualy didn't even noticed me). I hate lying, even it doesn't hurt anyone, just me. I hate being hurt. The biggest lie? Well, you were right, Brooke, when once said that after losing weight nothing changed. You remain the same person. I have been telling myself that if I were slimmer, I would have more friends, everybody would love me and boys would start noticing me and like me much more. That's a huge nonsense. Nothing would change. I will remain the same old girl with the same old insecurities. I have finally realised that. I am not happy about that at all. I am almost crying. I will always be the same. I can't blame my weight, I must blame myself. Whole story under all this realisation thing: last Thursday it was my friend's birthday, so she invited us to a small picnic on the bank of lake. There were 8 of us: 4 boys and 4 girls. So there I've met a girl, wonderful, charming, chatty - she is a friend of that birthday girl. So this charming girl is like 1.75 m height and weighs probably about 120 kg. I mean, she is big. But she is so amazing, have no fears at all. Plus she gets a lot of boys attention. So... that's what wrong with me - I am not like her. I am totally different. And still... I hate such kind of thoughts, I hate thinking about meaning of the life. Somebody, tell me I am not right, I beg you. That I will be different after losing those extra kgs. Thing is, I am not that scary looking, I am sociable and friendly, always ready to help. I am quite clever. I am interested in a lot of things, so I can talk about every topic. I am not that kind of too much girlish girls, I can talk about sports, music, political affairs, actions or horror movies. So how come she has a bf and I don't?

Sorry for this stupid thoughts. The main thing, I wanted to say, probably is "Why the hell you still love this girl, who just tease you, why don't you pay attention to me?". That's for the boy, I mentioned several posts before. Stupid stupid life.

In June my exams are due. I have already passed four, so two still left - enviroment law and international law. Today had a criminal law exam. After that with the friends from university drove to nice little village on the bank of lake. Then with a girl-friend visited some shops and in the cinema theatre watched movie, called The Number 23. I found it a bit too unreal, too much "unexpected" signs. Oh, well, at least I have seen comic Jim Carey in his new amplua. I really liked his acting. After the movie, went to an interview about investments, if I am going to start saving money for my retirement or not, advantages of saving. Felt kinda old :D Funny. So now it is almost 10 PM, I am watching news on TV and after that show House, M.D.

Have a good night, good morning, day, week, LIFE ;)

"I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life... Am I living it right..." (John Mayer, "Why Georgia")

Obsessions

That's not a bad kind of obsessions. No, I am going to talk about a good kind of obsessions - these, similar to hobbies. Well, I am actually going to talk about hobbies :D
In the childhood parents, teachers, neighbours etc. were telling me to find an obsession, aka hobby. When meeting new children, I was always asked what my hobby was. I didn't know what to answer. I liked reading - I constantly lived in the books - had read whole home library, even love-stories (not just classical ones, all of them), but at that time it was unusual to call books a hobby. It should have been a hobby, where you communicate with others - dancing, swimming, riding a horse, etc. For one year I had been dancing, then playing a flute, then acting and doing other obligatory things. I didn't like anything. Well, that's just me. So times have changed, I have grown up, and still don't have a hobby. Sad... or not. I still like reading, especialy crime fiction, Agatha Christie, John Grisham, Alexandra Marinina, Darja Doncova etc. But I still don't think this is a hobby.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend, who is huge John Mayer (famous American musician-songs writer) fan. So we were talking about his obsession with this particuliar musician - he has every song, John Mayer has ever performed, every video, John Mayer has been in. That boy knows every detail about Mayer. One phrase, the boy told was a bit scary - "John Mayer, his songs, searching for them online, are a part of my live". How could somebody else, a celebrity, musician, his life to be a part of your life?? So, probably we should call it an obsession. But actually, it is just a hobby. Every hobby is part of your life, doesn't matter what it is, dancing, golf or music. And then I thought, weight loss is a part of my life too. A huge part. And that's bad. If that was a healthy lifestyle or a health, would be ok, but I am always concerned about my weight, always thinking how to lose, searching for some drastic diets. Weight loss is my hobby. That's sad, even sadder than reading. Help! I need a new hobby :D
So that's all for today. BTW, John Mayer is really good at what he is doing - 4 grammys can confirm that. Listen to some of his songs, if don't know him: Waiting on the world to change, Gravity , Slow dancing in a burning room, Daughters etc. Well, actually, now I am a bit obsessed with him myself. :D

The Biggest Loser brother - XXL

I mean the show The Biggest Loser. Ok, maybe that's more like distant relative than a brother. You think, what she is talking about? Well, Lithuania has finally found new kind of reality show - fat people losing weight. The idea is the same as TBL (I am guessing it is the same project, and Lithuanians pay money for licence): two teams (red and blue), two trainers (just we have two guys), every week teams weigh in and who loses more is a winner and so on. But somehow whole show looks like a huge nonsense. First of all, trainers are way too... stupid. Well, I think one of them is really a trainer and the other one is some freak. YoI am talking about the show The Biggest Loser. Ok, that's probably not a brother, it is more like a distant relative. You think, what she's talking about? Well, Lithuania has finally found newu know, Bob and Jillian always encourage teams and losers, their advice is always sensible and similar things. But our coaches... OMG. They call participants as "fatties", shout on them, the menu is absolutely rubbish - like for the dinner they can eat three peas (?), and so on. I can't even watch the show. Plus the host of the show is a blonde model, who isn't very clever (actually, she is really stupid... former Playboy and Penthouse model). It makes much more sense, when the host is such person as AJ Rochester or Caroline Rhea. Oh, well... That's just us, Lithuanians. And the participants are not that clever as well... A girl, who started with 81,6 kg, first week lost 1,4 kg and then said: Next week I will totally lose 5 kg. Is she stupid or really thinks so??
So there are 4 of 14 participants. Well, you see red and blue, the scales... Similar...In the middle - the host and these two guys are trainers...

Ok, now I am going to shoot myself... Bye ;)

I know, I know...

I am very bad girl... Just now I have some problems and I can't find the way to solve them.

I have to confess - I don't solve problems, I run from them. I leave them and hope they will solve themselves. That's not alright... but I am too weak to fight them. I fear I will not be able to find a solution, so I stop searching for it. I am so stupid...

One of the problems is that I fell for such boy, who is not right for me. He is just... too perfect :) and no more than just a friend. Plus he has a thing for my friend, but she has a boyfriend and won't leave him. I don't know how to work out all this mess... All this looks like stupid Mexican soap opera. It is much easier to live when I am not in love, especially unhappily. I haven't had these things for two years now and I felt free. But now... It is so difficult... I can't tell anyone, my friends probably would not understand, plus I don't want gossips starting to spread.
When I was younger, I was way too naive. When I liked some boy, I thought maybe he liked me too or would start to like me after he knew me better. I thought I was beautiful, clever - just ideal girl. I thought, but all that was not even similar to the reality. I was fat, fatter than ever, but I thought I looked beautiful. I didn't... As I've probably mentioned several times before, Lithuania is a country of thin and pretty girls. So when 95 percent of girls are thin, boys are not going to choose a fat one... Believe me, now I am much clever and no more naive. That sucks... a lot, but I can't change the truth. This boy is my "perfect boy" type and before I even thought that there was no such boy in whole world.
Sorry for all this boring information, I just don't have anyone to understand me :)

Well, I am at the same weight - 76 kg. But I got back to gym and holidays is over, so let's make a change :) This summer (July and August) I will have some events, when I want to look better. I really need to stop running from my problems and start solving.
Better news - everyone now is telling me that I look a lot slimmer and asking how I did it. That really helps to continue the battle :) One friend took a photo of me last week and told me that she still had my last year photo and she really could see the difference between those two pictures. So let's compare how I looked last year and now :)






March, 2006
Weight ~90 kg















April, 2007
Weight 76 kg













March, 2006



Sorry for the dirty mirror :D I really want to show this photo for you :) That's how I look now :) Ok, maybe you can't see the difference, but I definitely can :)

Thank you for your time and support ;) Love you all

What is on your mind?

I have read Amanda's and Kenz's posts today about how we actually feel about ourselves. Kenz's thoughts totally reflect my present mind condition. I feel like I am back to the beginning, like I weigh 93 kg again. I don't, I know that, as this morning I weighed in and it showed 76,2 kg, which means 1,2 kg gain. So not a lot, but still I feel like then... miserable? So I made the conclusion all these weird feelings are because of not keeping to the plan. When eating right and exercising I really feel better about myself. So probably that's just my conscience doesn't let me eat all the crap (sometimes it let, but after that I feel double depressed).
It is amiss that we think about beautiful as about thin. So when the skinny anorexic girl looks in the mirror, she sees she is not beautiful and the only way to become one - lose more weight. If she understood beauty is equal to health, she would get better.
When talking about health... I've started care more about my health. I stopped drinking coffee, as caffeine hurts stomach (plus my teeth looks better without coffee), I have never been smoking and now I see the bad influence of cigarettes on my friends - skin and teeth don't look that good. I've been drinking more water, less juice (unnatural fruit juice) or soda, absolutely no Cola, Pepsi or similar. I don't remember my last visit to McDonalds or other fast-food restaurant (ok, I do... it was year and a half ago), and such food doesn't tempt me at all (after seeing 'Double size me' I feel sick even thinking about it), though I can't resist pizza and pasta (I eat one of them once a month). I don't use sugar anythere, even baking - Splenda (artificial sweetener) is perfect for that. Ok, maybe enough to boast about me being a good girl as I am not. I still weigh 15 kg more than I would prefer. I try eat better and everything but sometimes I have major binges. Then I eat everything I can find, don't bother if that's vegetables or cookies. So I don't buy anything unhealthy. But the world isn't that perfect. Guests come and bring chocolate, ice cream etc, visiting parents is not good either - a lot of bad carbs, no exercise. So that's how I don't manage to lose those kg.
Thank you, girls, for comments on my hair. Idea of dying it dark brown really seems tempting. However my Mom freaked out when I told her. Ok, so I am not doing this. I am afraid I will look like dead, as my skin is really pale. Plus dark hair makes you look old. But I am still considering the idea :) maybe in August (that means in summer) ...
So my parents got back from Thailand. They look soooo brown :D And are really happy... at least was till the morning, when had to get up early to go to work :) And could you believe, they have already started planning next holidays. Seems they like their work as much as I like school :) So in July we will be flying to Iceland. It would be better Italy... But the world isn't perfect :) So couple photos of presents I got from Thailand:
Fake Louis Vuitton bag - I love it. Sure, it is fake, but I don't pretend it is real, I don't need such kind real bags :) BTW I am not going to carry (wear?) this bag until I am 74 kg . Blackmail ;)Louis Vuitton pendant :D my parents somehow know just this one designer :D and the pendant is not that big... in the photo it looks huge :)Silver earrings and ring with my stone - Moon stone (not sure if it is called like that in English)
Ok, so there were more gifts, like sweets (huh, sweets...), drinks... :D just I am not sure where they gone :D

Have fun ;)

Me greets the world

I am doing that again - not posting. Oh, that's nothing new. So what was I doing during my absence? Nothing worthy telling. I know one thing I wasn't doing - not living healthy, including food and exercise. It's already becoming a pattern... And still I am not ready to start over :) I am tired of starting again and again :(
So my parents are still in Thailand. I mentioned before, they were thinking of visiting this country. On the 16th of February they went on holiday and departed from Dusseldorf (Germany) to Bangkok. And they are due to get back on the 11th of March :) My 16 year old brother are home alone. So you can imagine what actually he does day after day. Well, certainly not homework :) As on weekendsI get back home from Vilnius there are always many people, mostly his girls-friends (not girlfriends :) ) So when I am at home, I do the laundry, shopping for food for my 88 year old grandma, tidy up the rooms, cook for brother etc. Our parents call us almost everyday, ask if everything is alright, tell smth about their journey but still the call is too short and I miss them a lot. Minute of call from Thailand costs about 2 USD, so now probably the bill for mobile phone will be about 300 USD. At least not I have to pay for it :)
I thought maybe you'd be interested to see some photos, so here they are: 23rd of January. That's my parents home. I am ready to go to cosmetologist :)An old photo... Maybe December. At home :)
My car :D yeah, a bit dirty, but I am not going to wash it in such cold. Look, how clever I am - I sweep the snow only around my car - to prevent feets getting wet :) and the rest of the yard... who cares, I am not going anythere on foot :)Yesterday. I am still in my pyjamas and robe :D Lazy Sunday morning.

Have one question. What should I do about my hair? I hate them (or it?). Can you say what colour thay are? I can't. Well, except that is my natural colour.
Any hair-cut suggestions? I am bored with them :(
Ok, leaving now for a school... not very desirable periods ;)

Weigh in

Loss of 2.6 kg. Which means I am back to 75 kg! I am happy ;) Have a good week ;)

Sunday

Sorry for lack of posts. It is not my special intent not to tell anything. Actually there are some times when I think to myself: oh, I have to write about this on my blog. But when I start posting there are no ideas left in my head so I just log off. However now I don't have much to say, nothing new to report.
Weight. This is a weight-loss blog, so I guess I have to start from this. As you know (or don't know) Monday is my weigh-in day so tomorrow I will post what the scales will show. Last Monday I didn't have the "real" opportunity to weigh myself. By "real" I mean as usually - in the morning, before breakfast. That Monday I weighed in late and the number was 77.6 kg. So I am back to my pre-holiday weight.
Food. I am kind of bored with my diet. I eat the same food all the time. I have no imagination. This week I didn't eat anything unhealthy, except for Saturday. Whole week I was feeling great, more energy, no stomach aches. Wonderful. And yesterday my parents came to visit me and we went to a restaurant for a dinner. The main dish was ok but I ordered a dessert - ice cream. I was eating it and my brain was shouting: "what are you doing, you stupid girl, it is unhealthy, stop right now, you can't do that, it is bad for your health and body...." And I didn't realise this till I finished the ice cream. Oh... yeah, it is unhealthy. So later when I was shopping for food I didn't buy a box of ice cream... instead I got a chocolate. Crazy fool! Idiot! No way you could be so dumb :(
Exercise. Lack of them. Really... I have bought a membership at the gym and it has not been used. Mainly because I have a lot of exams and books to read. However my laziness is an important factor too.
Weather is horrible. It is always raining now... My parents are planning their trip to Thailand and I envy them very much. There is sunny, warm, no cold wind or rain. And they will spend there 3 weeks. I want to go there too. Anybody wants to invite me?
Movie. Yesterday I went to a movie. The Prestige. It was good. Abrakadabra... :D it is not the movie I would prefer to see at home alone, though. I mean it is not a horror movie, but when seeing alone, it is kind of boring. And the story is a bit confusing. Sometimes I couldn't understand which one of heros I was looking at, which one of them was talking etc. Now I want to see another movie with Scarlett Johansson - The Black Orchid. Not because I am a fan of Scarlett, as I am not, but because that movie seemed to be mystic, have some deep secrets.

So that's all for now. See you tomorrow with news - amount of loss this week.

Finally

a new post, new Year. Hope everybody has had the best holidays ever :) Mine was ok, but not the one I would prefer. The sweets challenge was not very successful. You were right, Nikki. I can't do that either. I was good for a week, any bad food, no alcohol. And then the Christmas came. Well, at least I was a bit better than last year, as I felt guilty. Anyway, now I guess, I weigh about 78-79 kg. Oh you, damn 78 :) on the day before Christmas I weighed 75 kg. A miracle :) or maybe just a lot of stress and no sweets.
Last week I watched some TV show and there was an interview with a astrologer. So she said that 2007 gonna be the worst year for losing weight. Especially in this year people would gain more than usually and it would be hard to live healthy. Oh no... I hope she was wrong. I want be back on track, just can't right now. Tomorrow I am going back to Vilnius (this is there I live now) and the first place I'll visit will be gym. I want everything would be normal. No more holiday treats, no excuses for not exercising. I want to be a success.
Not a lot to tell, there are just some photos to share.
This is my family on the first day of Christmas. My grandma, uncle and aunt, my parents, cousins and brother. And this is me in pink in front of everybody :)

This is me with a glass of wine. Boxing day.


Me and my dear former classmates. I am in the middle or the third from the left (or right)



The other pic of our small meeting with the classmates. I am the third from left (between orange scarf and white girl).




Have good first 2007 week:)